The Midnight News 01.31.05

hyatte | January 30, 2005 | Archive | 0 Comments

You’re a dirty cock gobbler. 

John

Your point?

Okay, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News, except it isn’t. It’s the Mop-Up for the Royal Rumble. 

What’s gonna happen is I will recap the Royal Rumble in an extremely half-assed way, and try to make many humorous jokes and observations while doing it. This is something I did for… 4 years when I first started writing on the werb, and for a while, I was HUGE. But times change and I got tired and the well of material that I had at my disposal died out… so I switched my game and went to the Midnight News format and have been there ever since…. but for special occasions, I like to bring back the Mop-Up, just to see if I can.

And sometimes, I can.

Not this time, however

Widro pumped this up… and God bless him for it… but as I was banging out this recap I felt that it wasn’t going in a way I liked. I couldn’t call up any rage or much hostility (Look, two days ago I spanked a girl… you do that and then try to bring forth rage from your inner core! It’s tough to do just a few days after one of the kinkiest rides you ever had!!) 

But I promised… I gave up some serious sleeptime… and I finished it. Is it good? Eh, it;’s okay. is it GREAT? Nope. Am I PROUD of it? No, I’m more proud of the fact that I managed to spank the girl and play with her for a while before unloading. Will you enjoy this? Maybe… its probably the only recap out there that tries to be offbeat… that doesn’t take this event so seriously.

Anyway… here it is. Try to enjoy it for what its worth. I’m going to bed.

THE ROYAL RUMBLE (or: Randy gets demoted) 

-Video package detailing the life and times and greatest moments of all things Rumble… listen to Vince McMahon, Announcer SUPREME, constantly bellow at the top of his lungs over absolutely nothing of any true importance. With absolutely NO authenticity to him. 

-Then, because the friggin’ company is filled with Hollywood (therefore FRUITY) writers, we get to see the Boys get all theatrical and pay homage to “West Side Story”. The audience TOTALLY relates. Yup, McMahon still has his finger on the pulse of today’s audience. Yep… SHOWTUNES!!!

-They should’ve parodied Rent, because the way things are going, half the locker room in that building is sweating over making theirs.

-How about jacking Phantom of the Opera? Where an old ghost HAUNTS the arena until some young ingenue captures his eye and makes him find love once again! It’s practically true to life! They already have a tortured, sad, lonely soul wandering the bowels of any given WWE arena, looking for something young and fresh to love! You know him as Pat Patterson!

-The ingenue? PUDER!! Them Shoot fighters pack the fudge anyway. Who don’t know that?

-Shit writes itself, dog.

-They could’ve used Farooq and Linda McMahon to riff on Driving Miss Daisy!! “I need to get to the shareholders meeting, Farooq!” “NOW WHERE DA HAYELL IS DIS SHARECROPPERS MEETIN’, MISS DAISY?? YOU GONNA SELL ME OFF AGAIN??” 

-The Divas can do Cats… toss a few Canadian boys in there and you can call it Pussies!

-Showtunes… because the marks are ALL about Tommy Tune.

-Anywhoo, THIS is the Royal Rumble! THIS is wehat it’s all about baby!! So says Michael Cole and Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler and Tazz… and the Spanish boys.

-Edge comes out… named so because he’s pretty much on the EDGE of working Heat tonight! HA, HA, HA!!

-It seems… err…. that the fabled Hyatte WIT is still making up dumb questions for the Wrestlereunion stars.

-This might not be a good recap.

-The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels comes out. Jim Ross points out that HBK’s seen more than his fair share of Rumbles… (yeah, too bad his hair hasn’t! BANG!!)

-(alt track) The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels comes out. Jim Ross points out that HBK’s seen more than his fair share of Rumbles… (Yeah, he’s also seen his fair share of clumps of hair clogging his shower drain! HO!!!)

-Edge goes for THE QUICK ATTACK by charging, Michaels does some nimble footwork and gets Edge out of the ring. Then he skins the cat, leaving Edge looking peeved and irate! Look closer and you can see Michaels say, “Been doin’ that when you were still out helpin’ yo daddy fight chin-hooks, GREENHORN!!”

-Didn’t HBK used to have an generous supply of chest hair? Man, Father Time took those TOO?

-Chops and punches, Michaels got cocky with a Hurracarana but Edge powerbombed him for it. Everyone powerbombs these days…. friggin’ everyone. But Nash still has the coolest… CUZ HE DROPS THEM… he says, “Fuck this, I ain’t bending over” and just drops them.

-AND IT WORKS, GODDAM YOU!! GIVE NASH HIS DUE!! FOR ONCE!!!

-Edge banged Michaels around and then mocked his pose. Then he mocked his old ways by whining to the ref about not wanting to put him over! Then mocked his current ways by pulling out a Bible and preaching. Then he mocked his dirty little secret by climbing to the rafters and throwing a Owen Hart blow-up doll down to the ring. THAT NO GOOD HEEL BASTARD!!! LEAVE THE PAST ALONE, COPELAND!!!

-Edge speared HBK on the ring floor. I haven’t seen so much blonde hair flying around since the time Dad wanted me to entertain his softball team by putting on a wig and playing a game called “ZZ Top and the Groupie”. (Dad and Uncle Henry put on the long beards… Donald, the black dude who plays third, was the one without the beard… I was the girl who lived on the hill… not only did I do it BUT I PLAYED THE SISTER WHO DID IT TOO!!!)

-Incidentally, the ZZ Top dude without the beard is actually named Frank Beard! WHO SAYS SOUTHERN ROCK IS NOT WITHOUT IT’S IRONY?!?!?!

-Edge went for the Spear, HBK kicked out at two. HBK hit the top rope elbow. Edge kicked. Edge tried that funky version of the Sharpshooter. HBK grabbed the ropes. They rolled up… one guy… NO WAIT… the other guy… NO WAIT…. Edge grabbed the ropes. Edge gets the pin! Bret should’a tried that…

-Edge wins! HBK glared at him. I’m sure Follicle Envy played a small part in this.

-You know, I look at Edge and think, “Man, that’s the sort of jaw that can handle plenty of cocks.” I have no clue why I’m always thinking that. I honestly don’t.

-We are backstage, Eric Bischoff and Teddy Long bicker over who has the better brand. Things got heated when Bischoff barked, “Didn’t you used to work for me?” Long retaliated, “Didn’t you used to run your own wrestling company?” Bischoff shouted, “Didn’t your daddy used to shine my daddy’s shoes?” Long snorted, “Didn’t yo mama used to swallow the black man whenever daddy was out selling Insurance?” Bischoff blinked, “This isn’t in the script?” Long shouted, “Oh it’s on now, honky!” Then explained to Bischoff in great detail on how Eric’s momma was so fat when she went on her period she leaked gravy. 

-Torrie Wilson and Christie Hemme were there to…. stand next to the Rumble entry drum. They both made more money doing that than you douchebags make in 3 years. WHO’S THE ASSHOLE NOW???

-Flair came in… saw a bunch of pissed off employees from his gym waiting to talk to him about their missing checks, shouted, “WOOO it’s in the mail, boys! WOOOO” and scrammed.

-He came back to get pick-pocketed by Eddie Guererro. Bischoff was in the background muttering, “I used to do that, dammit.”

-Flair realized that Eddie stole his RR number, freaked out and screamed, “FIRE ME, I’M ALREADY FIRED, FIRE ME!” Bischoff had to step on a nail to keep from giggling.

-Gene Snitsky and Heidenreich had a moment. Heavy breathing was abundant. If you were on Acid, Snitsky would look exactly like Oompha Loompha. If you were on acid, Heidenreich would look exactly like a moron. 

-So, basically, Snitsky looks like he walked out of a funhouse mirror. Heidenreich looks the same in any situation.

-All that heavy breathing makes me wonder which WWE Diva we would see doing double duty on these boys if they brought the camera down to below their waist…. I’m guessing Michelle McCool. PAY THEM DUES, SISTER!!! MOOLAH ONCE HAD TO SWALLOW PAMPERO FIRPO’S SPUNK BEFORE SHE BECAME CHICK CHAMP!!! YOU AIN’T BETTER THAN MOOLAH!!!

-Video package did it’s best to sell Undertaker vs Heidenreich. Video package failed miserably.

-The Jews came out with a casket! Those damn jews! They were under hoods but you could tell because their noses were sticking out.

-The casket almost bottlenecked when one of the Jews saw that a fan at the rail dropped his wallet and made a dive for it. You could here the guy behind him say, “Let this one GO, Myron!”

-Jews… casket…. how times have changed. They used to just wrap the dead guy in a sheet and stick him in a cave! Then the damn fool woke up and a new religion was born! The Jews will never make THAT mistake again!

-Heidenreich came out. He hates caskets. I hate repeat gimmicks! KAMALA WAS AFRAID OF CASKETS, JERKWEED!!! I DON’T SEE YOU SLAPPING YOUR WHITE BELLY AND DANCING AROUND LIKE A BABOON!!!

-The Undertaker made his entrance… and by God the audience NEVER gets tired of it. Everyone who sits in front of a computer screen does… but we don’t matter anymore. (The IWC is DEAD… and Widro gets pissed at me for saying so!)

-The match begins. Undertaker shouts “OLD SCHOOL” then puts Heidenreich in a headlock for 15 minutes. (ugh… anyone ever think that maybe old school SUCKS?)

-Out of NOWHERE comes SNITSKY…. because UT swiped his Justified cd and he wants his Justin BACK! (I’m not even lying… Meltzer’s reporting it)

-out of NOWHERE (well, out of the casket which still means “nowhere” from a creative standpoint), Kane pops up and chases Snitsky away! This means we have one of those Wrestlemania years where they have nothing for ‘Taker but need to get him in anyway. 2 years ago he was helping get Nathan… heh… Jones over in a useless tag match. Last year he was second from the top against Kane. Now he’s doing a blow-off tag match again. It’s like the Star Trek movie deal where every OTHER movie is a piece of nonsense.

-Back to the one on one affair… Taker almost gets into the casket, but calls up strength from HELL ITSELF and whacks Heidenreich with a few shots… some of which actually almost connect.

-Eventually, Heidenreich gets into the casket… because the Undertaker never loses… or if he does, he loses while still looking like he won. This is getting old, kids.

-Taker walks away… looking like the next three months are flashing before his eyes and THEY DON’T LOOK ALL THAT ROSY!!!

-Backstage, Flair finds Eddie and demands his number back. HHH and Batista charge in for back-up. Hunter calls Eddie a “jumping bean”… Eddie admits that he sold Flair’s number for a little Oxycotin, “To get the edge off, ese! I’m still cheating death, OLA LEY!” Then Scott hall ran in, shouted, “Hey Yo, this boy’s f*cked UP?”, then left… (man, you know you’re in a world of hurt when Scott Hall mocks you)

-The scene switches over to HHH arguing with Batista over how to screw Orton out of his shoes. (Doesn’t Stacey Keibler do that these days? And now that she’s nailed David Flair, Test, Tony Schiavone, Snitsky, Mark Madden, and now Randy Orton, isn’t it hight time we call a spade a spade and admit that Stacey may be your garden variety glorified rat?)

-Christian drew a number and was THRILLED… then he had a “rap off” with John Cena. After QUICKLY discovering that nothing really rhymes with “Canadian”, Cena does a PPV-style “hard” rap. Nice and slow so white kids can do it while Mom drives them to soccer practice.

-Yo, yo, yo… this here’s Chris Hyatte and I have’ta say, I’ve seen better ryhmes for sale on Ebay!

-Now I may be white and older than you, but I’m the best writer that all the girlies wanna screw!

-I do these columns on the net fo free, cuz one day I think Trish Stratus will gobble my pee pee

-Some say I’m chasing dreams, others say I’m being lame. But my act ain’t fresh so I gotta keep saying the same.

-These columns I do, they get worse every week. Too busy working and dealing with a stalking freak.

-I shave my head bald, so it’s nice and shiny. I write real hard to entertain yo fat heiny.

-I ain’t afraid to admit that I once ate the cock, but bitch you try survivin’ in yo local D-Block!

-So that’s all I’m gonna sling in this column today, later a quick death is what I’m gonna pray (for)

-WORD!

-Meanwhile, back in L.A. (in a decidingly WHITE, UPPER CREST neighborhood, Dr. Dre watched this and shot one of his homies (“Damn n-word, why’dja go and cap me fo?” he said before croaking). “Someone’s gotta die after hearin that sheeit,” Dre later explained to the cops…. who understood and let him off with a fine.

-Oh, and Christian asked Tyson for a “beat” before wrapping (see, I be hip, yo). Tyson considered it and dryly said, “No”. Funny! I like this Tomkyo.

-Kurt Angle came to the ring.

-The Big Show came to the ring.

-JBL pulled up in his limo then limped to the ring, with a big smile which I LOVE. This was the Triple Three Way Smackdown title match! Or, as the “insiders” call it “The only way we can get Kurt Angle in this show without his f*cking head falling off again”

-Angle bailed and let the Show slap JBL around. Angle shushed the audience so they could hear the FEROCITY of the Show’s chops.

-Sorry, I had to bail for a second to rub a nice one out to the video of Trish in a schoolgirl uniform from Taboo Tuesday…. these things happen to me… like… ALL the time.

-Spewed like a friggin’ VOLCANO, too…. Peter North-like….

-Man, if pants could have children I would’ve sired a f*cking small country by now.

-Angle charges in and breaks a Show pin. Show gives him a pounding. Show gives both of them a pounding. Show pounds everything. I pound my bird because HE WON’T SHUT UP, WILL YOU STOP SCREAMING, JAKE GODDAMMIT I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!! 

-Show jams half of the ring steps next to the announce table and sets JBL up for a chokeslam. Angle low blows him then hits him with a monitor. Show teeters, then crashes into the table. Why? Because just once Smackdown would like to UPSTAGE RAW’S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH!!! JUST ONCE!!! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK???

-Angle and JBL fight for a bit, then Show regroups… then Show plows JBL right through the guard wall. Both men play dead.. Angle is still in the ring playing dead too… no, wait, he’s just paralysed again…. camera stays on the other two while Angle waits for those finicky nerves to wake up. They always come through, he’ll be fine!.

-Show staggers up and jacks with Angle. Orlando Jordan and the Basham Brothers charge out to tend to JBL. Jordan looks like his about to cry! Basham #1 starts blaming a Cuban/Mafia/American conspiracy. Basham #2 says that the Show acted alone. Kevin Costner shows up and screams, “Fuckheads, it’s over!! Let it go!” Then starts asking fans at ringside why he is there and what happened to his damn career. This is the whackiest show.

-JBL is near dead, Angle is near crippled, and Show is near fat enough to collapse under his own weight. YOUR SMACKDOWN MAIN EVENT 

-Jindrak and Luther Reigns charge in and manhandle the Show. He’s tossed and fights back. Jordan drags JBL back into the ring where he is able to hit Angle with the Clothesline from Hell and sneak a pin. Kurt ANgle used to take 26 Stone Cold Stunners in a row before finally getting pinned. He used to take 45 Rock Bottoms before getting pinned. Now he’s selling a frickin’ clothesline that Nikita Koloff laughs at. BUT HE CAN STILL KICK PUDER’S ASS!!! YES HE CAN!!! 

-JBL stumbles around the ramp in celebration as the Show stares at him muttering, “Okay, okay”. Wasn’t the Show supposed to drop some major weight? He’s fatter than ever.

-Carlito tries to get Batista to sign the petition to get Teddy Long off Smackdown. Batista refuses. Carlito bites an apple. Batista asks Carlito if he watched Raw. Carlito LIED and said yes! (Ray Romano is HUGE, yo…. Everybody loves him!). Batista offered to insert the petition in a place that was never made for petitions (The INSIDE PULSE FORUMS!! BA-DUM DUM…. little whiny babies, can’t let Hyatte have some fun and make a statement… I’ll tell you kids about it one day. It’s a whole… involved story)

-Carlito backed off…. Batista knocked him on his bad shoulder. I think this new crazy afro look is gay… I hate it…. I HATE IT!

-It’s safe to say I’m bombing. Sorry.

-Batista drew his number while Bischoff was explaining to Teddy Long that Long’s momma was so broke that she had to put Big Macs on layaway. Long retorted that Bischoff’s momma was like a fine restaurant, they both took their deliveries the the rear. Somewhere in there, Bischoff banned Evolution from interfering in the HHH/Orton match.

-Eugene did a Wrestlemania commercial as Forrest Gump talking to a black woman reading Raw magazine. Actually, black women LOVE the WWE mags… where else can they laugh at those small white penises barely bulging through tight trunks. 

-Video package sells us on Orton/HHH…. man, if Orton’s eyes were any closer together, he’d be a cyclops.

-Orton comes out! The crowd pretends to care. In Tampa, Test stares at him and wonders, “How? Why? The hell?”

-Triple H comes out… he hits the ring apron, spits out his water and YAWNS!!! THIS TIME HE YAWNS!!! COME ON, HUNTER! DAMMIT!!! SHOW A LITTLE ENTHUSIAM!!!

-HHH wanders about, posing and flexing and trying to forget that more people bought Bob Dole in ’96 than bought his book. 

-They get cracking… Orton goes for an early RKO. HHH steps back and shows him his wedding ring. “You’re gonna sell tonight, Junior!”

-Hunter slips into his current “Mid-Atlantic circa’ 70’s” preferred style and does a methodical breakdown of Orton’s knee. Those in the know call it the “Too afraid to go fast and get winded in front of everyone” style. Orton screams in political agony.

-Hunter goes for the Pedigree but Orton backdrops. Hunter knees him right in the much. Orton’s face breaks. At home, Paul Orndorff shouts “Fight through it, m’ BOY!!” Also at home, Cowboy Bob Orton shouts, “BERTHA, THE TOILET’S CLOGGED AGAIN!!” Orton Jr has better things to do than watch this nonsense.

-whooooooooooosh…. this isn’t getting any better.

-Orton tries to DDT HHH but HHH grabs the ropes and Randy SLAMS his head on the mat. Randy is dazed…. and stays dazed… 

-Randy stumbles out of the ring and flops about. Earl Hebner advices him to get back into the ring or he’ll be counted out. Refs don’t usually do this but this is to tell us that it’s a SHOOT!! RANDY IS REALLY HURT!!! DAMMIT, WRESTLING IS NOT FAKE!!! THESE ARE REAL MEN!!! STOP SAYING THEY KNOW HOW TO FALL!! BODIES GET BROKEN!!! DREAMS GET DESTROYED!!! LIFES GE…. oh it’s a goddam work… the Ref never made the X sign. 

-Besides, Jim Ross isn’t demanding that someone get their asses out there for medical attention… like he used to do for Foley all the time. Ross lost his passion! He hasn’t found a decent face to put over in YEARS.

-HHH got out the sledghammer… but didn’t have to use it. There was a bit more rasslin’, but it was mere time killing. Orton was pinned… clean. CLEAN!!

-HHH keeps the title… Orton is beaten decisively. HHH really is the greatest wrestler EVER…. and everyone in the company is helping him prove it.

-This is scary… for real. I mean… I thought HOGAN was over-protective of his continuous spot

-Jim Ross thinks that Orton’s head was so badly nailed that there might be brain damage… one doubts anyone would notice a discernable difference in Orton’s behavior (No one is asking Randy to find a cure for AIDS, people… no one is asking him to create that perpetual motion machine.)

-Backstage, Kurt Angle takes Nunzio’s ball away from him and inserts himself into the Rumble. Nunzio doesn’t offer much of a fight. This should surprise no one. Nunzio IS Italian after all.

-In fact, Nunzio thanks Angle for relieving him of his RR slot and offers a blowjob in gratitude. Whattaya want, the man is ITALIAN!!!

-A drunken JBL flashes back to his old gimmick and starts making alarmingly rascist remarks to Teddy Long. Amy Weber is actually smiling… well, her face is cracking and her mouth is upturned… we’ll call it a smile and be generous. Long informs JBL that he’ll be fighting The Show in a barbed wire steel cage at the next Smackdown PPV. JBL goes dead white. I LOVE JBL…. he’s the best. can’t wait until he gets to pin Lesnar clean in a “You gotta pay for leaving wrestling to follow your football dream, asshole” match. 

-Jim Ross is matched with Tazz to cover the Rumble. Michael Cole fakes comfort and awkwardly turns things over to the combined team. Jerry Lawler was already at the bar re-upping his contract with Satan, (“Okay, okay… in exchange for my soul, I get all my hair, all the facelifts I need without the media covering it, and two more wives all under 30? WHOO HOOO!!”)

-Hell, sign me up. Sheeeit.

-They wheel Howard Finkle out to go over the Rumble rules.

-Eddie Guerrero comes out first… in a low rider that he no doubt JACKED… (WHERE ARE THE PLATES??? IS THAT CAR STREET LEGAL????)

-Chris Benoit comes out second… now if they were smart, they would sit tight and wait for the thrird guy to come out and just beat him, and everyone else and toss them over the top. Systematically eliminating 28 guys until they are alone… THEN fighting… that is SMART wrestling…. the sort of wrestling two best friends could do…

-SMART WRESTLING.

-So, of course, they start ATTACKING EACH OTHER WITH ALL THE STRENGTH IN THEIR BEINGS!! because they are not smart wrestlers… they are COMPETITORS!!! COMPETITORS WITH A NEVERENDING THIRST FOR WRESTLING!!!!

-douchebags.

-So they tussle a bit… then out comes DANIEL PUDER!! Who promptly gets on the stick and announces that he’s gonna win! AND HE WILL!! HE IS A SHOOT FIGHTER!!! HE IS THE GREATEST THING TO HAPPEN TO WRESTLING SINCE HULK-A-MANIA!!! MELTZER SAYS THAT PUDER ALMOST BUTTRAPED ANGLE ON LIVE TV!!! PUDER IS GOING TO SAVE THIS BUSINESS AND MAYBE…. JUST MAYBE…. SAVE US ALL!!!!

-So Benoit and Guererro, and then Hardcore Holly go ahead and beat the living SHIT out of Puder…. it was a living, breathing lesson taught in front of the whole audience. It was GREAT!!

-Puder was taught RESPECT!! MMA was sent a message that shoot fighters are faggots. Meltzer was sent a message that he should stop being such a f*cking mark for EVERYTHING dealing with half naked men grappling with each other.

-Puder was tossed. Holly was tossed too… THAT sent a message that said, “Yeah, he’s still employed, but don’t get used to seeing him around all that much.”

-Hurricane came out… Hurricane went in…. Hurricane went out…. Hurricane went home.

-Kenzo Suzuki came out. No one cares what happened to him, not even the announcers. He stayed a little while then was quietly disposed of. 

-Edge RAN out… this set a trend where most of the wrestlers RAN out… assholes, take your time… why are you in such a rush?

-Rey Mysterio Jr, Sheldon Benjamin, Booker T, and Chris Jericho all came out while no one was getting tossed. All of them RAN to the ring… no wonder HHH runs this show… none of these kids are THINKING 

-SLOW DOWN!! 

-Bischoff and Long came out to root for their respective wrestlers. 

-Luther came out… now it was four Raw guys against four Smackdown guys… they faced off and cussed at each other. Benoit made the slice my neck move… I strongly doubt any Blood or any Crip has ever made that move in any gang fight ever in the history of gang fights.

-Once me and my “krew” face off against a few boyz from another neighborhood! I stuck my thumbs in my ear, wiggled my fingers, and stuck my tongue out at them. Went home with a goddamn 9 Iron shoved up my ass.

-Muhammad Hussan came out with his manager to the sort of heel heat that Triple H can’t even PRETEND to hear… it’s the theme song that does the trick. He enters the ring, gives thanks to Allah, realizes that he’s surrounded, and proceeds to get his ass handed to him then gets tossed. Clearly, Vince is letting us know that Allah is a pussy.

-That was a KILLER segment.

-Hmm…. let’s see…. Scotty 2 Hotty came out and was quickly attacked by Hussan before hitting the ring…. now THIS is the Wrestlemania fight we’ve been dying for!

-More guys came out… Simon Dean came out and proceeded to put on headphones and do warm ups at the ringfloor. Jim Ross had a bonafide fit.

-HBK came in and got rid of Dean, then started playing around.

-Angle came out and tore into EVERYONE!! He went to Angle-Slam HBK, HBK slipped out and went for the Superkick, Angle turned it into the AnkleLock, HBK got out of it and Superkicked Angle over the top rope. Angle was out.

-Look closely and you can see Angle lying on the ramp opening and closing his hand, like he’s trying to get feeling into it. For real, this is bad… bad and sorrowful. The man is killing himself, guys. Right in front of us.

-Coach came in, hit Benoit from behind, the ran to the other side and held the bottom rope for dear life. Benoit was outraged. Ross said that he wouldn’t cross Benoit with a chainsaw.

-Jindrak came out… Angle snuck back in and booked himself into Wrestlemania in a dream match against HBK…. at least Michaels knows how to protect Angle.

-Paul London comes out…. actually he… goosesteps out… he goosesteps out as if he was a Nazi with a wooden leg and a slight case of vertigo… THIS IS YOUR CRUISERWEIGHT GOD??????

-Rene Dupree had actually lasted a few minutes before Jericho tossed him. John Cena came out and went on the offensive. He quickly faced off with Viscera. Viscera decided to represent the Black community and shouted, “WHY CAN’T YOU LET US HAVE RAPPING??? WE’RE NOT TAKING OVER HOCKEY, ARE WE??” Cena responded by eliminating him. Dr. King died for nothing.

-Snitsky came out and was a BEAST… god DAMN he looks like a freak.

-Kane came out to deal with Snitsky… Kane don’t look exactly “normal” either.

-Batista, Christian, and Flair wrapped up the last three…. Batista was the Nash of this year’s Royal Rumble, just blasting out everyone. Flair was the smart one by WALKING to the ring… NOT RUNNING…. WALKING!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-When Flair came out… he and Batista had some fun setting guys up for the Powerbomb. Then Flair tried to sneak behind Batista and toss him. Batista stopped it and glared at Naitch. Naitch held up his hands and blamed Russo… (he did, I SWEAR!!)

-Bodies flew and next thing we know, it’s Rey, Batista, Edge, and Cena left. 

-Then Mexico was eliminated… they were always the little sister who is tolerated but dismissed when it’s time to get serious.

-Then Canada is eliminated, because… well, come on… it’s CANADA. Time for Daddy USA to wrap this up… 

-Cena, who had yet to break a sweat and Batista faced off. They jammed… they both went over and hit the floor at the same time (it’s really cool how they do that live)

-The brand refs bicker over who won… SD says Cena. RAW says Batista.

-Out comes Vince McMahon, walking as if he has ten pounds of SHIT sitting in his bowels… Vince climbes into the ring… slips and blows out his knee (HA!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!)

-Then Vince, because he’s probably the most arrogant f*ckhead who ever walked, sat there in the ring and pretended like everything was cool and he is SUPPOSED to be sitting there like a maroon! As opposed to… oh let’s say Kevin Nash… who stopped in the middle of the match, screamed, “ARRRRGH” and collapsed in a heap! “FUCK THE MATCH!!! FUCK KAYFABE!! FUCK THE AUDIENCE!!! STOP EVERYTHING AND GET ME THE GODDAM DOCTOR!!!!!”

-One of the many reasons why Nash rules in my book.

-Anyway, Vince degreed that the match will have to be restarted… which it was… which Batista won quickly because it was 10:56 pm and they were about to be booted off the air. Batista wins!

-Hmm, I thought Cena was going to win… I was TOLD that Cena was going to win… then again, why am I listening to friggin’ Coach Coogan (Inside Pulse writer of… well… umm… he writes columns somewhere on this site, I guess. Go find him, I’m sure he’s good… he’s a COACH, after all!)

-Show ends.

Eveyone’s saying that this was a GREAT SHOW!! One of the best EVER!

Meanwhile, by next year no one will remember a damn thing about this show… just like last year. All I remember is that benoit won and Lesnar screwed Goldberg out of the Rumble. That’s it. The only Rumble anyone really remembers is the one that Flair won. That’s the fact, jack!

I’m sorry, I promised a lot last week with this… but I just couldn’t find too many funny things in this show to knock out. I always got my shit from the goofy aspects of Raw and Nitro… when they play it pretty straight, it’s really tough for me to create anything to riff on. I tried. Oh lord, did I try.

Ugh… suck city… LAME…. Hyatte sucks.

Next week I’ll do the Midnight News again… we’ll have a Wrestlereunion report… Message Boardom… and other stuff I want to get to. I’ll try to make up for this… 

This Mop-Up is the New Year’s Revolution of the Hyatte Library!

Friggin’…. ugh. Dropped the ball… yes I did. Sorry.

This is Hyatte